Trying to Understand How People Become Disappointed

I have been working with At-Risk Youth since 1994 and the following is also a prt of that work and the book I am writing about mentoring at-risk youth through story.

In my work with at-risk youth, I have developed four principals for successful negotiation. They are Judgement, Expectation, Trust/Respect, and Presentation. These are the things we take to the table when trying to reason with others and also when trying to understand our relationships with them.

Expectation: What do we hope for ourselves, the other person, and the relationship?

I think it is safe to say that most of us hope not be hurt in any relationship and that the relationship will be long-lasting or at least successful. But what we hope for in the other person is really the tipping point. We do seek others with common interests, viewpoints and even the same ethics, but what do we do when we have not chosen the relationship, such as in a family? The other person may have been raised with similar beliefs and traditions, but it may be that over time they have developed their own ideas and customs, even gone far astray of what was traditionally taught in the family. In this case, do we throw the "baby out with the bath water?" How do we cope within these more complex relationships? What happens when we discover after many years of being in a relationship, the other person has changed for better or for worse? It’s a difficult question.

So where to begin. Well, it may be simpler than you realize. Begin with safety first. Are you safe, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even economically? If yes, then the next step is to begin with you. Begin with how you think, not how the other person acts. In other words change what you can control.

The first thing we need to do when we are learning to dance with another person is learn the dance steps for ourselves. Make sense? Getting along in a relationship is like dancing. You learn the steps and then sometimes you move together, sometimes you dance the same steps and sometimes you move apart, yet the movement make up a beautiful full and complete whole. Would you expect anything else from dancing? So why expect anything else of your relationship.

Allow your dance partner the space they need to be who they are. Don’t expect anything else of them and you won’t be disappointed. The exception is when dealing with someone who just doesn’t try to keep up or move with you. In this case it may be necessary to stand off and watch them dance from a distance until they move toward you, leave the dance floor, or just get another dance partner. But in most cases, if you approach a safe relationship without expectation, your partner will approach you in that way too.

This doesn’t mean you won’t find sadness in those times you drift apart. You will because you are a caring loving individual. But you will also find great joy in those times you come together, if you make up your mind that you will be joyful and focus on those positive moments. Attitude makes a big difference.

*Note. Expectation in this context does not mean the same as standards. We should set high standards for our success and that of our children. This acts as motivation and does not have anything to do with our acceptance of their failures. People fail. People learn. People can improve, but the definition of improvement is what we are talking about when we discuss expectation in this article. Does improvement mean that another person is only acceptable or successful to us if they do as we do, do things the way we would, think like us? We need to weigh the value of our lives with or without others in terms of what we are willing to have or sacrifice for that relationship.

More on Judgement, Trust/Respect and Presentation in the next posts.