The Determined Storyteller in the Battle Against the Cave Monster: Postscript

The Beginning:

The journey began as the DS gazed over the edge of a dark chasm trying to decide whether to ignore its call or take the leap. This was the day my doctor told me I needed a core biopsy for a lump found in my left breast during an annual physical. I had one previously and they are very uncomfortable, which in my opinion is an understatement. The last one was negative and the doctor who viewed this current mammogram said she felt I could wait and see if there were changes next time, but if it were her she would get the biopsy. A friend had just died of breast cancer and I wanted to let my friends know what was happening. The DS decided to leap.

The Traveling Companions:

As the DS plummeted from the cliff side, a friend stepped in to give her the Towel from Hitchhiker’s Guide tho the Galaxy explaining it could become whatever she needed. It became a parachute and acted as bandage and cape throughout the story. This is when I realized the story might be a powerful tool for keeping friends gently abreast (pardon the pun) of the situation without alarming them, to allow them to play a healing game with me, and to help me sort through my feelings and fears in the same way I use story to help others do so.

Throughout the DS’ journey, friends came forward with gifts and blessings including, a platinum breastplate, the Blessed Sword, a magic shield, a basket of glowing orbs, magic torches, an army of angels and themselves. Not only did the DS use these valuable tools, but I loaned them to others as they were needed. One friend whose mother was diagnosed with breast cancer was loaned the shield, another who faced a difficult situation was loaned the sword and so on.

The Call of the Hero:

The hero is reluctant, does not want to be a hero or take on a difficult task, only an adventurer thrives on this. But the DS knew what must be done. I missed my friend’s burial to get a biopsy on January 29th. I decided this was the best way to honor her life. I can only hope her family felt the same. Her name became the DS’ rallying battle cry "Rannvieger!"

This day was the same day as my sister’s birthday and also a horrible day for my family as my father was rushed to the hospital. The DS was drawn from her own calling to try and save her father. Bands of angels and her army went with her as the powers of darkness tried to distract her from the monster she must later face, perhaps to allow him to gain strength in her absence. She fought valiantly to save her father from their grasp, once to actually have believed him safe, but alas she failed. My father never recovered from his illness. He died March 13th, just three days after my surgery.

Nemesis:

My diagnosis came back positive for cancer on February 3 and the DS now heard the monster’s roar from inside a cave "I am Cancer and I will destroy you!" She now knew the monster’s name which could aid her in destroying him but it was name feared far and wide. I knew I had to talk about this journey because I felt cancer was so scary it had to be brought into the light of day to understand and defeat it.

Mentors:

I was fortunate to have a nationally renowned surgeon in the field of breast cancer, Dr. Stephen Edge. The DS entered the cave and met the Healer Edge who made her lay prone near a healing pool (my scans and tests) and gave her assistance in fighting the monster. He was my surgeon on March 10th and the surgery vanquished the monster beautifully. The delays caused by missed appointments to care for my dad did not allow the creature to grow beyond Stage 1 and .9cm.

But The Edge told the DS that she would have to face yet one more trial. She would need to decide whether to enter the Cavern of Fire (chemo) or just the Cavern of Lightening (radiation), which was a must. After meeting with Dr. Edge (surgeon), Dr. Levine (medical oncologist) and The Khan of Lightening (Dr. Kahn radiation oncologist) I discovered that there would be only a 2-3% benefit to having Chemotherapy. Of course I didn’t want to lose my hair but friends had already offered help with hats and the hospital has a resource center to help. I had already become determined to be the "Crazy Hat Lady" but the effects of chemo on the rest of my body was scary, to be honest.

The Finale:

After discussing the doctors’ recommendations and statistics with Thomas, we both agreed that a 2% benefit was not worth the trauma, especially with no cancer found in the surrounding tissue or lymph nodes. It would have been a completely different story had the DS not been given a choice, but she was. She entered the Cavern of Lightening on May 3 and was not heard from after that until she emerged. This is very significant because although the hero has traveling companions, there comes a time when she must face the journey alone.

Entering the Shadow Lands, prologue:

On September 10, 2009 our 18 year old dog Merlin died. He’d been sick with the effects of age for a couple years. Thomas had been carrying him up and down stairs and our living room had been a dog kennel with drop cloth and sheets on the floor. We knew it was only a matter of time but when we found him nearly unconscious one morning, it was unbearably sad. We rushed him to the SPCA and there surrendered him at their back door to be put to sleep. My heart was broken. He was such a large dog and a huge presence in our home and in our lives. He went everywhere with us. I am still crying as I write this but there really hasn’t been time to finish this mourning.

November. I was bringing the larger pond fish into the basement tank for winter when the oldest one, a koi named Big Fish decided to take the "Big Journey" on his own. This is a phrase given to me by a friend and I love it. It helped me feel better, for you see when I went outside to get another fish, Big Fish pushed through the screen covering the tank and landed on the basement floor. By the time I came in it was too late. I blamed myself for not placing the screen tighter. I had raised this 18" fish from a 2" fish and he was 15 years old. I know it probably seems odd to put so much importance on a fish in the light of all else that happened after that, but at that time it was significant. He was the largest and oldest and actually used to eat out of my hand. Another big presence in my life was gone and it was a death I could have avoided.

I now look back and realize that Big Fish’s passing was a harbinger of what was to come. I would be stripped of all the big presences in my past life, but my relationship with Thomas would become stronger than ever.

December 12, my mother died. Like Merlin, my mom had been ill for some time. She was on oxygen but a strong willed woman who wanted to keep living. She was frail however, and I had been saying goodbye to her for three years. I was ready for her passing. Of course, I mourned her death but it seemed easier to accept. I do miss her very much now and cry on and off, especially at those moments when a Mommy is needed. I have really come to understand the different roles Moms and Dads play in our lives, or at least in a woman’s life. I imagine it might be very different for a man.

I thought my sorrows would end here, and I do wish they had but when faced with the unexpected challenges of cancer and my dad’s illness, I did exactly what my parents and life experience raised me to do, stepped up to the plate as the Determined Storyteller.

Never in my wildest imagination did I expect to get cancer or lose my "big guy", my best birthday present, my dad. Still mourning for Merlin and Mom, I faced the greatest sorrow of my life, at least since losing my sister Pam at age five. When dad died I thought my world would end, and in many ways it did. It made me the oldest in the immediate family and placed me in the awkward position of being in charge of settling Dad’s affairs. I became the outcast and the outsider, and my heart felt like a stone.

After the long sleep, a Transformation:

About halfway through treatment, I was feeling pretty beaten down by everything that has happened to me. I lived in a kind of fog. It is hard to describe but it was like going through the motions hour by hour, day by day, looking for joy but just getting along. I was fortunate to have many wonderful friends who supported me and Thomas who was there all the time. They broke through the fog often, sending light and love to that shadow land, but still I felt like I was living a half life. Then one day it happened, Creator sent an angel by way of a fellow radiation patient named D (to protect her identity).

I wrote a blog about my angel and everyone has wondered what she said. Now I will tell you. It may seem trite and insignificant to you but at that moment of my need, it was huge. It was like a brilliant beacon in the darkness that burned away the fog, because I was feeling like a worthless being. I had given up important healing work because I myself needed healing. I had been called names and was starting to believe them because I was too weak to fight anymore. It is so hard to explain the pain I felt at that time.

One day D came around a corner and out of the blue, having never really spoken to me, looked into my face and said "There is a glow around you. You are such an amazing person.

She herself had been very ill for the first few days of her treatment which is why we really hadn’t spoken. When she said those words to me it was like a veil was lifted and I felt that light on my face. I acknowledged the power of this, of being kind to others never knowing when they may need it most. We spoke about this the following day and she told me how I made her feel wonderful too. We hugged and held hands.

So without knowing it, we had helped each other. Her illness lifted and I have never again felt that fog. The DS was shown her future in the Healing Pool. She would emerge in the White Robes of Transformation.

Journey’s End.

We, the DS and I, emerged from the Cavern of Lightening on June 23, 2010. There was an earthquake 250 miles north in Quebec just as I entered for the final treatment. I never felt the shaking but when I called home to tell Thomas I had finished he answered the phone.

"Wild Ride huh?"
"What?"
"We’re not talking about the same thing are we."
"No I was calling to say I just finished my last treatment."
"Congratulations! We just had an earthquake."

What a coincidence that is! And later I discovered that today, June 24, my ReBirthday is also the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist. I believe these are more than just accidents or coincidences, I believe they are Signo de Deo (signs from God) just as Big Fish leaving for his Big Journey was a sign.

Aftermath:

The hero finishes the journey and rebuilding takes place. Armies return to their homes where they find they too must rebuild. Weapons and armor are cleaned and laid to rest. Wounds are tended. Families reunited. But the Hero is changed. While others experience the joys of reunion, there is a melancholy surrounding the hero. She must come to understand this feeling of change, must learn to accept it and figure out its meaning in order to become whole again.

After the celebrations are over, after the feast is ended, the hero will retreat to a place where she can recognize herself again. The DS has spent so much time in the shadow lands, she is not certain what to do with the light.

She will continue to fight for right and against the dust bunnies of the world, but in what capacity? What will her life be now that the largest battle of a lifetime is finished?

The Determined Storyteller will have the courage to face other monsters but she wonders for the time being if she will just go through the motions of living or really take on life with passion once again.

I am sure the reader knows the answer already, but for now the DS, emerging from the cave in the White Robes of Transformation, has the glow of ecstasy in her eyes and has not yet come to an understanding of the path that waits before her. Yet, I have faith based on previous experience that she will find her way and follow it and that the path will take her to some place where the table has already been set. She will eat and she will grow, and she will be what all of her life has brought her to be, The Determined Storyteller.

Acknowledgments:

I wish to thank the friends who have traveled this journey with me and who have given their support, light, and prayers along the way. I hope you realize after reading this Postscript to the story, how much you really have meant and how much of it you wrote for me. And to Thomas, there is little I can say about your strength and love except that you are my shield, my armor, and my life’s blood. Thank you. And thank God.

One Last Joke on Me: Thanks Dad

If you've read my posts, you know my dad passed away March 13, 2010. We miss him a lot but he will always be with us, in our personalities, in our behaviors and in our stories. Dad was a huge fan a good joke, told many of his own and loved to play tricks on people, including his own children.

We gave one good final joke to dad just after he passed. My sister and I, and her husband were still gathered at the foot of his bed. Dad was gone and we had cried. Now we waited for a minister to come and pray with us. We needed it. The only religious person that could be found happened to be a Catholic priest, an Indian Catholic priest whose thick accent and rapid delivery made it even harder for us Lutherans to understand what he was saying. And he gave Dad last rights. After he left we laughed so hard, it almost seemed a sacrilege. But we knew Dad was laughing with us. It seemed fitting to laugh just once more with Dad. But that wasn't to be the last time he made me chuckle. That came in a motel room in Florida.

As executor, I traveled to Florida to visit my folks' place there. I cleaned out several bags of trash, carefully searching every nook and cranny for anything of either sentimental value to my family or monetary value to Dad's estate. And then I found it, the unexpected treasure, something I couldn't believe Dad had forgotten. In the middle dresser drawer, under a pile of Christmas decorations, I found a One Thousand Dollar Bill!!!! Man, I've never seen one of those before, how cool!

It was old and taped together. Dad liked to collect coins and money so I thought maybe this is a rare $1000 or maybe his emergency stash and he forgot it was there. Then I also saw a $20. Picking up the twenty and unfolding it, I discovered it was a coupon from a bank, not money at all. That made me suspicious of the $1000. Maybe it was some of Dad's joke money, but I had to be sure. I would take it to the bank.

I drove back to my motel a few hours later, very aware that I had what could be a lot of money in my purse. I immediately sent an email to my sister so she would have an accounting of what I had found, then I excitedly phoned Thomas. If anyone knew what a thousand dollars looked like, I figured it would be him, but no he had never seen one either.

Some time passed when my motel room phone rang. It was Thomas saying he had gone online and looked up one thousand dollar bills. He asked me who was on the front. I told him. He was silent. Hmmm, apparently that is not the correct president. I read the bill more closely and started to laugh out loud into the phone. "OH my goodness! Oh my goodness!" was about all I could say. Then I found my voice. "Thank you Daddy! Thank you." My dad had played one last joke on me and I am so grateful for that moment. I will never forget it.

The joke? Take a close look at this bill and see why I laughed. Daddy, I am really going to miss you but I also know you are always very close by.




Not the United States of America but the Untied States of Anemia. Signed by A. Phoneybill and U. Cantcashit. LOL!

April 9, 2010, Burying Mom and Dad

After many days of warm sunny weather, this day had to be cold and breezy, just the kind of weather my parents didn’t like because it went right through them and Dad had difficulty both with breathing in the cold but also with Raynaud. Yet the ceremony was warm just the same.

Thomas and I arrived ahead of the funeral director who brought the urn and the flag. Once they arrived, we followed them up the hill to the Bath National Cemetery in Bath, NY.

The cemetery is situated up the hill behind the Veteran’s Hospital complex. The complex is lovely with many buildings serving a variety of purposes from dorms to crafts and chapels. It is wooded with the treed foothills as a backdrop.

My first thought of the cemetery is that it was peaceful and serene, secluded as it is but that its military uniformity didn’t really match my family. Dad and Mom were nothing like other parents and I really wish we could have placed them somewhere that we could have a unique stone. But Dad was proud of his military service, as he was of the country he served, and so are we. It was fitting that he be buried in the place he wanted since so much of his last few years caring for Mom were out of his control as were the last seven weeks of his life. Perhaps he got that control back in this way.

When our vehicle rounded the bend we were met with the sight of two military personnel, dressed in their dress uniforms standing at attention. When the car carrying the urn passed, they slowly raised their hands in salute. It gave me chills and stirred my emotions.

We parked behind them and waited silently as the soldiers refolded the flag. The rest of our family began to arrive but I really wanted to stay engaged in that peaceful beautiful moment. Thomas gave me his arm and escorted me to one of the six seats facing a table overlooking the cemetery’s main monument and flagpole. It was downhill from where we sat and took a few moments for me to realize, but the honor guard of three soldiers assembled below us at attention.

The urn carrying my parent’s was carried somberly by the color guard to be placed on the table with the American flag before it. Our minster began with an introduction. He backed away and Blam! One rifle sounded. I jumped because it was so sudden. Tears welled in my eyes as I realized my dad was getting a gun salute. Blam! Another and then a third rang out. A three gun salute. By now I was crying so hard I almost couldn’t see the honor guard and then I heard the piercing sound of a trumpet from behind us. It was Taps, one of the most hauntingly beautiful tunes ever written, in my opinion. There is something about Taps that reaches way down inside you, much the same feeling I get from bagpipes which we had at the memorial. I was so touched and so proud of my papa. It was just so beautiful.

Next the color guard took up the flag and in perfect unison they unfolded and refolded the flag once more. A slow precise salute and it was handed off to the female soldier who turn slowly and approached were I sat. She knelt and placed the flag in my lap. "Mam, the country is grateful for your father’s service. We are sorry for your loss." More tears and the brief thought that I hate being called Mam, except for now. Now it was a great honor. I said "My family thanks you."

Aware that my sister sat beside me and not wanting her to feel left out, I took her hand and placed it on top of the flag in my lap and held it as the minister led us through the religious rites.
Following the actual ceremony which took place in a small shelter, we had to wait 30 minutes for the urn to be buried. We returned later, my sister, her husband and son, Thomas and myself. Trying not to step in the mud we placed roses on the grave.

It is still so hard to think of my tiny dear mother and my big strong Daddy as ashes in the ground. But just today I had a sudden revelation, something I have really known all along but needed the reminder, they are still with us not as ashes in the ground but changed into another form. Their bodies are things we can no longer touch and that is part of my sadness. I took to kissing them both on the foreheads in the past year and Dad always gave me great big bear hugs at bedtime when we stayed over. I’ll never have that again, but I will always have his humor and his thoughtfulness and my mom’s generosity and sensitivity. They are nearby, I call on them everyday. They are nearby.